How to Guarantee Great Service in the Modern Restaurant Industry or "How I Learned to Shut Up and Tip 20%"
Everything in life can be expressed on the bell curve, even restaurant customer service. You have a top 10-20%, a middle 70-80% percent, and a bottom feeder 10% to everything. Ideally, you want to be in the top 10%. This is usually reserved for family members, friends with benefits, weed dealers, and the lawyer that got us out of our DUI. The middle 80% is mostly everyone else. Civilians and random guests. You haven’t done anything to piss us off and being nice pays for our rent and cat food; we will probably be sincere about it too. The bottom 10%? Write us a bad review, we dare you. You say you’ll never come back? Is that a promise? Land in this category and after work we will be talking about you over shots for hours. Not a place you want to be. Here’s how to be in the top 10%.
1. Do: Wear your mask: If there is a mask mandate in the town you are visiting, respect it, have a mask on you and put it on wherever you see a sign that says “Masks are required”. We don’t care if you don’t believe in them, or that you came from Florida where Covid doesn’t apparently exist. If we have to ask you to get it out, put it on, or pull it up over your face, that’s strike one.
A mask. Fyi.
2. Don’t: Be late for your reservation. If you show up 45 minutes late you no longer have a reservation. Just facts. If you are even the slightest bit apologetic we will try really hard to get you sat but if you argue with us or “demand” a table immediately the less we care and the more our eyes will roll as you get more and more bent out of shape. Then when you try to sit at a dirty table and order off a menu that isn’t available anymore we will ask you to leave. #truestory #beontimeforyourreservation
3. Do: Talk to the host/Don’t: move my tables: A two-fer! The hostess might be 16 years old but she’s driving the boat and can make your night or break it in half. Talk to them first and if you need something special like a big table out of the blue they will get a manager who will work with you to best accommodate your needs within the capabilities of the restaurant. This is how restaurant communication works. You work with us and we will absolutely try to work with you. If you think you need more space, or you have more guests arrive unexpectedly, ASK someone if you can move a table and let the staff take care of it. We don’t visit you in your home and rearrange your living room, leave our stuff alone. And god help you if you walk in with a crowd, move a bunch of tables, and seat yourselves and start looking around for a server. That’s a fast way to get your entire party asked to leave. Fair warning here, shots across the bow.
4. Do: Break up those big parties…think about it. You rush a bar with 40 people and swamp the place how long does it take for you all to get drinks? Never, the answer is never. Ideally you made a reservation…and some places will let you make a reservation for 40 at midnight for an after-wedding type of party, and we appreciate the heads up so we can staff accordingly, that way you don’t roll up on a place with one server who is already at her max and expect her, the one bartender and one cook to suddenly be able to handle your 2 platoons of drunken bullshit.
5. Do: Have your ID ready. Or at least don’t get bent out of shape if we ask for it. It’s not a hassle, it’s part of the job. Don’t say “I’m 24 I shouldn’t have to show ID”. No, you’re 24, which is exactly why you have to show ID. I’m almost 50. Everyone under 30 looks too young to be drinking to me. I’m already annoyed that you were born after I graduated so don’t give me shit about how “old” you think you are. I’M the old one here kid. Know your role baby drinker and give me your ID.
6. Do: Start a single tab and buy rounds for your friends. Don’t start and close 12 separate one drink tabs. Your bartender will notice and appreciate it. Appreciation here means “Will see you when you’re ready for another round and help you out knowing you know what you’re doing.” NOT “you’ll get free drinks”. No one gets free drinks. WE don’t even get free drinks.
7. Don’t: Say “I’ll take care of you”. No you won’t. You say that thinking you’ll get extra special treatment but the people that say that are the ones who get the calculator out so they can leave exactly 18%. How you REALLY say that is…
8. Do: Tip large on the first round…but don’t be a putz about it. You’re making an upfront appreciation and we appreciate you for it but hollering out “I just tipped you $20, I need another drink!” completely nullifies that tip. Good job.
9. Don’t play “stump the bartender” If it’s a “classic” fine, a classic with a twist? Sure. But not every bar has a house made Habanero and Gummy Bear simple syrup chilling behind the bar so they can make that custom drink you had on a beach once in Martinique. You can ask but don’t smirk and don’t get offended when the bartender comes back after Googling your drink and says they can’t make it. They probably have a decent cocktail list, give one of those a try.
10. Don’t be inappropriate: If you’re over 40 don’t hit on the 23 year old bartender for starters, but keep any and all off color, racist, sexist, and comments you wouldn’t make to your grandmothers pastor off the talking points list. We don’t want to hear it. You may have heard restaurant people talk like drunken pirates, but that’s to each other, not you. We don’t know you and frankly if we guess wrong about whether you’re cool enough to drop an edgy joke you could end up giving us a one star review that gets us fired, so no, we aren’t going to be “cool” for the perfect stranger telling dick jokes at the end of the bar.
11. Do: Be ready with your order. Teamwork makes the dream work. We love giving recommendations but if we’re busy don’t keep us there asking a million questions. “Tell me about the menu” is not a question. When we are busy we might literally have food in the pass, drinks on the bar, 7 credit cards to run from our big top that’s trying to make a show, and you’re holding us up while we wait for little Billy to decide if he wants the chicken or cheese quesadilla. Help. Us. Help. You.
12. Don’t: Ask for free drinks. And that means a “taste” of the $80 a pour bourbon. You’re in the bar and your AMEX weighs more than my shoe. Buy the shot.
13. Don’t ask for free bread. Bread service is gone at independent restaurants…Olive Garden has unlimited breadsticks if that’s what you’re really after.
14. Do: Be patient and understanding. Observe what is going on before you start criticizing. Is one server handling a hundred people? Then be cool man, just chill until they get to you…and by being cool and patient and polite you ensure we WILL get to you. And then when we do and the server apologizes, let them know right up front you see us working hard and you appreciate us and guess what? You will be our new best friend. Seriously, that’s how it works, you tell us you see us moving at Mach 5 and you have your order ready when WE are ready? You are now at the head of the line. You have become an oasis of sanity for us in the sea of entitlement we work within. Little known fact…we can’t give Disney service to everyone. Not possible. But we love giving outrageous service to people who deserve it. I’ll pump free desserts out all day to people who are understanding, gracious, polite…all of that before we have any idea what the tip is.
15. Don’t: Snap your fingers to flag us down. We know you’re there and we will be back, we promise. Also, your food is coming. On behalf of every server ever, I’m telling you if you asked us for it, it will arrive. The servers don’t cook the food and being snide or snapping your fingers doesn’t do anything except get you off the free dessert list. Don’t ask me if we are chasing down the cow, you think you’re being cool and funny instead of complaining but you’re complaining and we’re busy. Chill Thanos. Your food is on the way.
16. Do: Let your server or bartender do their job and listen to them! Don’t interrupt when they are speaking. You are probably about to ask a question that they are probably about to answer. Let them speak. If you order an appetizer, you don’t have to ask for side plates unless the food shows up and no one brings you any. Give the server a chance to do their job before you ask for stuff they were probably going to bring you anyway. They have the information you seek. If they have to repeat themselves more than twice they will move on to someone who pays attention to them. Be cool. Use “please” and “thank you” like civilized people. Please. And thank you. Because if you do and we like you and you catch the bartender on a good day…they might slide you a free drink someone made by mistake:)
Happy Dining!
