Restaurant Gods: A Closer Look

Everyone who has ever worked in food service knows about the Restaurant Gods. They can be fickle as fuck. They're the ones who send in the full board of tickets just when you finish cooking your lunch. They're the ones who pay attention when you shut off your grill or turn off your fryer 30 minutes before close and punish you for it with burgers and fries at close. They hear you when you are dead and complaining about not having anything to do. "Oh?" they say, "You want something to do?" 

And as my old kitchen manager Lee would say "And then the tour bus pulled up." 

When you roll the dice on how much fish to prep and go a little under? They see that and that's the dish everyone will want. Think you can get through one more shift before changing your fryer? Fry station will get crushed. They are mischievous and love a good joke but they also like to have a good time and will reward you for good behavior, like the nights you get off and the bartender has a mispour with your name on it. Or you take an extra minute to make a late-night dish go out looking sexy and the customer kicks you back a $20. You forgot your weed but the dishwasher has your back. That kind of thing.  

I've often wondered who the restaurant gods and goddesses were in the ancient world so I did some digging and I wouldn't be surprised if some of them were still pulling strings and having fun with us today. Let's break them down, starting off with the rock stars of the kitchen... 

 Gods and Goddesses of Line Cooks

Hestia, goddess of the hearth and kettle. Goddess of the Kitchen. #respect 

Andhrimnir, god of cooking and cuisine…Chef to the Aesir...the top norse gods. He cooks the Cosmic Boar every night. He's got to be pretty damn good at BBQ by now.  

Sui-Ren, god of roasting, boiling, baking, frying and toasting…god of cooking hot food. It's Hestia's kitchen but Sui-Ren is killing it in there. This is THE god of line cooks right here.  

Hermes, god of travel, communication, trade, language, thieves, writing…and music, luck, deception, and livestock aka prepping protein. #godofsouschefs 

Homados, spirit of the din of battle. When the clanging and the banging and the yelling and the chopping and the ticket calling and the dishes running, and everything around you is causing you to have to yell a ticket to the guy standing next to you, thank this dude.  

Methe, nymph of drunkenness. #duh 

Hybris, spirit of outrageous behavior. If the shoe fits she'll throw it at you. And then make you drink out of it. #shoottheboot  

Hephaestus, god of fire and metalworking…he gives us our flame and makes our knives.  

Edesia, goddess of banquets...the root of her name is Edes meaning "to spend money on food.", especially in the city. She is the goddess of catering. 

Hygieia, goddess of cleanliness and good health. She sees you when you don't wash your hands you dirty fuck.  

Gods and Goddesses of Bartenders and Servers

Bibesia, Roman goddess of drink and beverages. She's where we get "to imbibe" from. Her name literally means "to drink" and we love her for it.  

Nin-kasi, Sumerian goddess brewer of the gods…taught humans how to brew. I'm surprised "Goddess Brewer Of The Gods" isn't a band name in Asheville yet. Letting me down hippies.  

Dionysus, god of wine and drunken orgies. He also turned a bunch of pirates who kidnapped him into dolphins so we're also going to call him the god of waitresses with dolphin tattoos who have questionable taste in men.  

Cerao, demigod of the meal, specifically, the mixing of wine. First mixologist on record. #bowdown.  

Euthenia, spirit of prosperity, abundance, and plenty. She's basically the goddess of tips. Give her a shout out when you start your next shift. She might appreciate it.  

Sponde, goddess of libations poured after lunch. Happy hour. She's the goddess of happy hour. You have to feel good knowing there is a goddess of goddamn happy hour.  

Gods and Goddesses of Food

Demeter, goddess of the harvest. She's kind of a big deal.  

Plutus, god of bountiful harvests and the wealth that comes with it. He's often late and bails when things get tough. Demeter was his mom. First documented case of nepotism and entitlement in the ownership ranks of the food service industry. Won't be the last.  

Artemis, goddess of the hunt. And venison.  

Nikkal, goddess of orchards including the olive, fig, apple, pistachio, walnut, and almond trees. She's the hippie vendor who gets you good prices on the local stuff instead of having to buy from Sysco.  

Pontus, god of the sea…father of the fish and other sea creatures. Tasty, tasty sea creatures that you eat with drawn butter and cocktail sauce. My dad made his with gin. You get fucked up while eating Pontus' delicious kids.  

Aristaeus, god of beekeeping, cheesemaking, herding, olive-growing, and hunting. I find it interesting when one guy gets to be the god of so many things that you would think would be diverse enough to require several other gods to manage. But this overachiever is like the guy who got 7 degrees at the Agricultural College and just didn't want to leave. He sells you your artisanal and local honey, your local goat cheese, and cold pressed virgin olive oil. He could also be the purveyor of your fine foods. He's probably got some charcuterie in there somewhere too.  

Deipneus, demigod of the preparation of meals and the making of bread. The baker has arrived.  

Gods and Goddesses of Going Out and Having a Good Time

Gelos, spirit of laughter. We want our guests to have a good time. When they laugh, we laugh. Behind the scenes though, it's unwritten, but a big part of why we do this is because we have fun. We have fun in a way you just can't have anywhere else. Can you imagine putting a fish head in your break room refrigerator at the bank? How about smashing a whipped cream pie in your co-workers face because it's their last day...at the courthouse? 

Uphrosyne, goddess of good cheer, joy, mirth and merriment....and 

Cypris, god of eating and pleasure.  

That's why we do this right? Because we like bringing good cheer to people, either through cooking good food, being a fun host behind the bar, or helping people have a fun night out as their server. Joy, mirth, merriment...and getting pleasure through eating and having a good time. We provide that for others and get it for ourselves, all while making money and having some laughs along the way.  

This is a unique industry filled with passionate and talented individuals. May the Restaurant Gods smile on you all.