Kitchen Pranks
I love a good kitchen prank. The trick is keeping a straight face when you ask someone to do something ridiculous. You have to make it sound like it's a real thing, and then put some urgency in your voice to get them moving.
You: "Hey new guy, I need you to run to the store and get me some cans of steam for the steamer."
New Guy: "What do you need?"
You: "Cans of steam, they're at the grocery store in the hardware aisle, the Bartender will give you money. 3 cans should run about $15 bucks, you need to hurry, I’m almost out."
If they ask the bartender for money you win. If they go to their car you win. If they actually leave the parking lot you need to hurry up and call them back before the GM wonders why the new guy left. Unless the GM can take a joke then screw it see how long they'll look for. I had a girl come back from the store angry as hell when she was told Ralph's doesn't sell Pelican Feet.
Some of the classic quests for noobs are getting them to search for stuff that doesn't exist, like the left-handed spatula or the flour chopper...or giving them pointless tasks like mopping the freezer or emptying the hot water out of the coffee machine. There's no limit really. I had a bucket of water dumped on my head coming out of the walk-in once and I've seen fish heads and lobster bodies tucked away in Server reach-ins and beer coolers. I've dipped straws in liquid smoke, hot sauce, and vinegar. The bigger the reaction the better. And if you can get some teamwork into it, you've got the ingredients for something special.
The best prank I ever pulled off was at O'Sullivan's. We had a new hostess and I was on the line on a weekend evening, feeling feisty. She walked by as I was chopping something and I nonchalantly asked her if she had a minute, if she could get me the key to the Wine Cellar from Jeff, our Floor Manager. She said sure and headed to the bar.
We didn't have a Wine Cellar. In fact, we didn't have a basement. We were smack on the edge of the river. Half of the restaurant threatened to slip into the water at any given time. But she walked away and found Jeff and told him that Jim needed the key to the Wine Cellar anyway. To Jeff's credit he didn't even blink, he just told her that he gave the key to Joe, our General Manager.
So, the new hostess was onto the next phase of her quest, looking around trying to find Joe when she ended up back in the kitchen.
"Hey have you found that key yet? I need to get in the wine cellar right away!" I didn't yell, but my voice was firmly in the command tone of calling tickets now and I saw her quicken her steps as she ran to the office.
"I’m looking, I'm looking!" She said as she ducked into the closet sized office. She was in there for just a moment when she came rushing back out and through the kitchen again.
I poked my head inside and asked Joe what she wanted.
"She said you were looking for the key to the Wine Cellar and that Jeff said I had it. I told her I gave it to Buddy." He said with a big grin.
Oh Shit. Buddy was the Owner and Buddy was eating dinner in the dining room with his family.
This poor girl went to Buddy's table and told him that I was looking for this key and Jeff gave it to Joe and Joe said Buddy had it and she was really sorry to bother him and Buddy, without missing a beat said..."Oh, I gave that Key to Jeff."
Buddy said she just looked at him for a second, then she came running back into the kitchen, red-faced and cursing me out hard.
Perfection. I wish I could have seen her face as the realization hit her myself. It should be noted that wasn't set up ahead of time. That was improvisational kitchen pranking at its highest level...the prank was picked up and carried by three different people, all progressively higher up the food chain, until the poor girls brain popped. I don't think she talked to me for a week.
Quid Pro Quo Clarice...the best prank ever played on ME was up in Highlands, North Carolina at Ruka's Table, a Southern Americana place in the mountains. This wasn't the biggest or most elaborate prank but it's my favorite because it was so personal.
See, I hate coffee mugs on the line. I loathe them. I'm not a huge fan of coffee, and that's its own story, but Ruka's served Breakfast and Brunch. Coffee was just a thing and I would always find empty mugs and take them down to the dish pit. Even though they were never mine I did it just to keep my line OCD happy. I got to a point I saw empty coffee mugs like cigarette butts. I didn't smoke or drink coffee so I wasn't happy cleaning up after your butts and mugs...but the mugs were on the line dammit.
One day I was working some breakfast tickets with a few other guys and I saw a coffee mug in the window where I was about to plate some food and I moved it off to the side and kept going. I kept cooking and plating and working tickets as the other guys were stocking or stepping off the line for whatever and I was suddenly getting a little busier...and then I turned around and there was a coffee mug on my cutting board.
I didn't have time to get huffy I just pushed it aside and kept moving, more tickets were coming in and I kept looking up to see if the guys were coming back on line...then I turned back to the grill and there were three coffee mugs on the grill table.
"What the fuck?.." I said to myself and I just gathered them up and turned back around...and out of the thin air there were 5-6 more mugs on the back table.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yelled out. Then I stopped and looked around.
I was surrounded by coffee mugs. It looked like dozens of coffee mugs...at least 20. All around me, on the shelves, in the window, on my lowboy...
I just stopped and stared for a second. Then I looked around and all the rest of the line cooks and half the wait staff were standing at the end of the line, dying laughing and watching me have my own personal existential meltdown over these fucking mugs. They had been sneaking themselves off the line and then sneaking mugs ON the line in the moments my back was turned and I was so busy with tickets I didn't even notice.
Teamwork, Improvisation, and taking advantage of my weaknesses...OCD and coffee mugs. That's how you do it. Well played, well played indeed.
